Addicted to FEAR

    

It has been a year since my last blog and I'm fearlessly re-entering this forum in spite of doubts I have as to whether or not any of this matters, makes a difference  or shifts any ones life. I've discovered that my life changes   because of my willingness to be vulnerable and I choose to trust the wisdom of All That Is to use me, even if for the benefit of only one.  It is for you that my heart is openly exposed.      Namaste'

If there are truly only two emotions, love and fear, then are we addicted or stuck in their various aspects, vacillating between them? And if fear’s aspects encompass all negative emotions, such as anger, rage, sadness, hostility, anxiety, depression, frustration, disappointment, guilt, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, discontent, self hatred, worry and so on, how do we open our awareness to the  connection we’ve established with them in clarity and truth ? What might be our first step in finding our way out of living in this consciousness ?  Is happiness ultimately a choice we make, regardless of experience ? These questions have become my focus and my springboard for a happier life. 

The human mind is not hard-wired to become addicted to love or it’s aspects. It is a skill we are taught and  develop through personal experience and choices. Some of love’s aspects like, joy, happiness, satisfaction, contentment, self approval, self appreciation, gratitude, kindness, peacefulness, balance, enthusiasm are pleasant and fulfilling however, it is not our natural propensity to become addicted to them in spite of their benefits. Unfortunately most of us are just not wired this way.  Herein lies a fundamental fact; We must choose to live a love based life.  The call to a bigger, more joy filled life is our spiritual work, whether we know it or not. To evolve into the humans we have the potential to be, begins with a decision to live happy, no matter what life presents.  

Where do we start?  For me it began many years ago. I was in my twenties, I had three small children, a home on beautiful Long Island. My husband and I worked hard to have the best life we could and still I felt something was missing. On the outside everything looked great. But I suffered between anxiety and depression endlessly. I blamed myself.  I felt sorry that my youth was cut short by my mothers death because I answered the call to care for my siblings and my family home.  I also blamed my mom, thinking maybe I inherited her genes of depression and anxiety. I refused to believe that life was happening for me and not to me and I did not choose to own any of it. I didn't see the magic of the experiences I was living  and the tools I was acquiring that would take me far and fast through my journey.  I dragged myself blindly through each day hoping that someday it would all make sense and be worth the pain I held inside. 

Year after year it became heavier and harder to be in a peace that felt long lasting. And so my concious journey began. I didn’t know then that fear was my belief system. I also thought that the layers of my problems were overwhelming and insurmountable, too great for me to ever over come. But in my decision to find my truth the powers of Divine Forces showed up to guide my every step.  Looking back  I see it was perfectly orchestrated. Each new idea was enough for me to take in, digest and make whatever small adjustments I could. My awareness’ grew on the one before building confidence and hope, while pain-filled layers slowly dissolved. I stood strong through those years, devoted to being the creator of my experience and used every path I felt comfortable with to proceed forward.  I prayed, read every self-help book that resonated with me, listened to motivational speeches, and took up my practice and study of Yoga. I believed and never lost faith that something big was calling me. I knew somewhere deep inside that I had a right to be happy. 

Life continues to give me every opportunity, in the most perfect sequence,  to unravel the lies I’ve told myself and believed ( there are more than I’d care to admit). I understand now that I was scared to be happy, ironically while wishing for happiness with all my heart.   I was blind to my own power and how to use it, but I know now that my choices were the catalyst for the shifts I’ve longed for and am experiencing. My life is filled with ups and downs, and while I still have no idea what I will do next at least I’ve learned that the patterns and habits I formed to protect myself were the things that held me back.  It has become my work to own my choices, my thoughts, my beliefs. I am learning to sit with them, feel their pain and to let it all pass through me so I can free myself to make new choices. Life circumstances once dictated my level of joy but I now know when they show up, and it happens often, I must catch myself as quickly as possible and ask some simple questions : 

1. Who is feeling this pain, is it me or my ego ? 

2. What old pain/memory/habit/pattern is represented here ? 

3. Am I willing to observe it and let it pass through me, removing it’s power ? 

4. Do I desire to live in love or fear ? 

I close my eyes, do some deep breathing, realizing that everything is an idea, just a thought and it only has the power I give it. I can choose to release myself from it. Sometimes it subsides and fades away quickly, other times it needs some extra work and even if it comes back at a later time it is less powerful. I know it will diminish when I no longer attach or identify with it. I am the observer of my thoughts. I am the one who sits beneath and behind all that is happening and I can see clearer from this perspective than when I attach emotion and get caught up in the drama of life. My reaction to life is key and I must stay connected to it. This is the conscious practice of Mindful Living, choosing emotions and the thoughts that are their catalyst. I decide how I want to feel in every life experience and I prefer to choose joy. It feels a whole lot better than fear or any thing associated with fear.  And when I fail, when I get caught up in the pain of the moment, the event, I forgive myself and start again. It is my journey and I, as all of you, deserve to live in love and all its aspects. 

The decision is ultimately ours to live in Pity or Power... what will it be? We can only be in one. 

Life is a journey, not a destination. 

Feel free to post your questions and comments, find me at maryannsmeraldi.com on FB as Mas Yoga or Mary Ann Davie Smeraldi or email me at MasYoga108@ gmail.com .  I look forward to hearing from you.   Remember we are all on this journey growing and learning as we go, so your input will bring enlightenment to many. Please share ! 

In Power, Peace & Love, 

Mary Ann

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